Ghosts From The Past

During the early to mid eighties I lived in this house. It was never a great neighborhood, but our house looked pretty decent compared to the others on the block, even though we were renters. I took this picture a couple of weeks ago. I will drive by there every so often -- usually once a year or so. The house has never looked this bad.

I've had to come to terms recently with why I make the yearly trek out to the old house; or why, for that matter, I constantly have to look up old and lost friends on the Internet. I have this strange form of "Nostalgia Anxiety". I'm not sure if that's really a disorder or condition, but I'm ready to once and for all give this a name. Nostalgia Anxiety seems to describe it well enough. Google returns zero hits on that particular string, so maybe I've coined a new phenomenon. Yay.

Nostalgia Anxiety manifests itself in many different ways for me. For all local things, I tend to go out of my way to drive by old schools, houses where I've lived, friends houses, etc. I'll park there for awhile -- sometimes I'll take a picture or two. I'll compare the modern version to the version I still have in my brain. I'll think about it for awhile and then move on, satisfied for another year or so.

For old friends, I'll take spare time I have in front of a web browser and meticulously search for their name. I've found quite a few people from my past that I had completely lost touch with. But the funny things is, once I speak to them, the desire to talk to them is gone. Their lives all pretty much followed a particular pattern based on their personality form back when I knew them. I could almost guess exactly how their lives turned out and I have a an 80+ percent chance of being right -- it's a bit uncanny, and sad in a way.

Sometimes I wonder if my "condition" is rare or somewhat unique. It's my own personal version of Fermi's Paradox in that I've never had someone from my past come looking for me, even though I'd be pretty easy to find online. Fermi's Paradox addresses why, with the infinite possibility that extra-terrestrial life exists, why haven't they contacted us yet? Somtimes I wonder the same in my life -- if there are so many people out there I've come across in my life up to now, why haven't any of them come forth looking for me? Most people I know don't have this overwhelming need to hunt out people from their pasts. Maybe it's more healthy that way.